im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
