I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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