Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
