I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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