Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
