you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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