My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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