woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
