thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize