You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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