I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize