I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
