i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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