It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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