i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
