I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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