why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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