all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
