Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
