Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
