Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
