apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
