My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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