forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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