Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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