Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
