Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
