i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
