He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
