Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
