standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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