I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
wow bdsm is so cute
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
