Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
