My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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