So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
