I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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