Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
