It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
