just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
