rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
