dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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