so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He passed out mid-signature
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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