I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found puke in my bra..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
