why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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