Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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