I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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