I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
