she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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