hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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