Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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