i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
