Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You may now shotgun with the bride
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
