i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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