also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize