mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
