I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
