Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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