pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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