I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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