I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
